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Post by Magnus on Oct 4, 2023 20:45:24 GMT
I overheard this the other day… 😉
“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’ My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”
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Funny!
Oct 8, 2023 1:11:28 GMT
Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 8, 2023 1:11:28 GMT
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Post by Magnus on Oct 16, 2023 20:15:27 GMT
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple-all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine-they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink...
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The Teeth."
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 21, 2023 9:29:25 GMT
What’s pink and shriveled hangs out ya underpants? Your mum.
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 21, 2023 20:27:36 GMT
What’s long and black? The queue at KFC
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 23, 2023 6:22:20 GMT
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
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Post by hhenthusiast on Oct 23, 2023 22:33:26 GMT
A 2fer:
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats!
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Jump to conclusions!
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Post by mr potatohead on Oct 24, 2023 1:12:43 GMT
A 2fer: What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats! What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Jump to conclusions! That's too true to be funny, m8.
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Post by brennus on Oct 27, 2023 19:26:52 GMT
Laughter is the best medicine... unless your ribs are broken.
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Post by brennus on Nov 1, 2023 0:48:13 GMT
This one is a bit dark. But it is Hallowe'en, after all -------- A few friends really wanted to see a gypsy fortune teller. Now, I don't take such things seriously myself. But I went along to be sociable. So this gypsy woman was reading our palms, reading her tarot deck, gazing into a crystal ball, all that stuff. Everyone else received good news. But when she came to me, she became very serious. "In twelve years, you will suffer a great sadness." Everyone else looked horrified. "Well, what do you mean?", I asked. "Will I be ill? Will one of my relatives be ill, or even die?" "No, I do not sense that. But you will be very sad nonetheless." So everyone else was feeling really sorry for me. "In twelve years", they were all thinking. Well, I thought, I'll show you. I'm going to cheer everyone up. So you know what I did? I went to our local humane society, and bought a puppy. -------- (If you own a dog (or any pet), you may want to hit me.)
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Nov 2, 2023 20:03:46 GMT
What do you call a cat who loves bowling? An alley cat.
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Nov 5, 2023 0:54:56 GMT
I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge.
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Post by brennus on Nov 5, 2023 23:56:15 GMT
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Nov 8, 2023 8:57:30 GMT
My fat parrot just died. It's a massive weight off my shoulder
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Post by Magnus on Nov 11, 2023 4:02:56 GMT
A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out. Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
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