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Post by billfish on Aug 1, 2021 21:42:24 GMT
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Funny!
Aug 6, 2021 23:12:05 GMT
Post by Bruce Tackett on Aug 6, 2021 23:12:05 GMT
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Aug 7, 2021 23:39:44 GMT
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
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macky
Caneguru
Upside down
CLUELESS TOSSER
Posts: 2,828
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Post by macky on Aug 8, 2021 7:48:11 GMT
Been watching the Olympics quite a bit. My dear friend has the text activated on her TV, and I assume it must be run on some sort of a program according to what the commentators are saying.
Yesterday I watched the Gulf. Today at the velodrome the Writers were battling for medals. There was a big crash in the women's event and many Writers went down.
The best one of course was when the Hunger Aryans were on.
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Aug 15, 2021 5:02:38 GMT
What do you call dogs who dig up ancient artifacts? Barkeologists.
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brothersteve
Caneguru
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
Armed with a shovel, snow fears me!
Posts: 2,191
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Post by brothersteve on Aug 15, 2021 14:32:51 GMT
I always got a kick out of Flip Wilsons tv show. One of my fav's was his Geraldine skit. The funniest to me were the "Wooooo!" and snap of the fingers and dance moves, and the "What you see is what you get!".
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Post by Magnus on Aug 15, 2021 18:08:30 GMT
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Post by Magnus on Aug 28, 2021 1:27:11 GMT
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brothersteve
Caneguru
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
Armed with a shovel, snow fears me!
Posts: 2,191
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Post by brothersteve on Sept 3, 2021 14:03:48 GMT
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, an ear of corn and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and told me, 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'Fat chance with a face like that!'
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'what's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me uncle died this morning.' 'Oh jeezus,' the man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself... 'I'm grabbing that.'
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'Where am I?' The farmer looks back up and shouts back, 'You're in a basket you dumb ass!'
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at the church social the other night until I got the last question wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer. My wife said we can never go back to that church.
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
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Dave Reslo
Caneguru
Not quite severely obese
Posts: 1,459
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Post by Dave Reslo on Sept 14, 2021 22:42:56 GMT
RIP
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Sept 14, 2021 23:31:52 GMT
My wife says she's getting me a sea mammal. She says everyone needs a porpoise in life.
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Post by Bruce Tackett on Sept 30, 2021 17:46:18 GMT
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Post by Deuce Gunner on Sept 30, 2021 19:32:19 GMT
Everybody seemed to be having a good time, but I've never understood stupidity being celebrated.
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Nov 19, 2021 21:28:51 GMT
Before becoming a parent, I thought School Photo Days were straightforward, a fella takes a picture of your kid at school, you buy a copy from them for a few quid. ..Nope. - Hi there, we’ve taken a picture of your kid at school and wondered if you’d like one? - Oh, ok, yeah I’ll take one. - Well.. we don’t do single photos we do ‘packages’. - Ok, what’s the most basic package? - That would be Package One. It’s one normal-sized photo and 42 wallet-sized photos. - Well, that’s shite, I don’t know 42 people. I certainly don’t know 42 people who own a wallet. And I definitely don’t know 42 people who are weird enough to carry around a picture of someone else’s kid in their wallet. - They’re great for passport photos. - 42!? How many passports do you think he needs? He’s six, not f*ing Bond. - OK, well Package Two is one of our bestsellers. - What’s that? - That’s 20 photos, all really awkward sizes, either too small to frame or too big to give to relatives without it being weird. - Great. ..Package Three? - That’s Package Two plus a snow-globe and a 6-foot canvas for your living room wall. - Jesus, no. - Look just give me the cheapest.. Package One. - Certainly. - Is that it? Can I pay now? - Tea towel? - What? - Tea towel? - Are you taking the piss? Why the bloody hell would I want a tea towel with a picture of my kid gurning on it? It’d be like drying the pots with the Turin Shroud. I’ll just take the.. - Cushion? - No. - Mug? - No. - 6 foot cardboard cut-out. - NO. - What about a hot air balloon? They’re twenty feet wide and we’ll tether it to your back fence. - Wha..? - They’re very popular. - No. - We can project your kid’s face on to the moon? - Why would yo..? - What about one of those big, blow-up, wavey -hands things you get outside car dealerships? - NO. - We’ll tattoo their face onto a pig? - JESUS CHRIST!?, what is wrong with you people!? Look, just send me the shitty wallet package. - No problem. Package One. That’ll be 45 quid please. - What the bloody..!? Are you hand-painting each one!? I’m not paying that. - Well, its memories isn’t it. And they are only young once, aren’t they? And you can’t get this time back and.. - ..Fine. …and give me one of those f*ing tea towels as well.
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Post by billfish on Nov 19, 2021 22:44:43 GMT
(rofl)
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