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Post by hhenthusiast on Oct 4, 2022 22:31:17 GMT
I was mystified when the stationary store moved.
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I accidently took my cats' medicine last night.
Don't ask meow.
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 8, 2022 0:03:25 GMT
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy." Then I sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 9, 2022 9:46:29 GMT
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 14, 2022 5:03:57 GMT
I took my wife out for our anniversary dinner last night and she kept saying she wanted to pay for the meal.
"Don't be stupid," I said, "we're halfway down the road now, just keep running".
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brothersteve
Caneguru
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
Posts: 2,400
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Post by brothersteve on Oct 14, 2022 21:29:38 GMT
"....free bowl of soup....looks good on you though...." too funny (to me).
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 17, 2022 9:06:10 GMT
I just heard that Sting has gone missing. The Police have no lead.
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Post by Magnus on Oct 19, 2022 1:15:23 GMT
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Post by Magnus on Oct 21, 2022 0:47:57 GMT
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Post by mr potatohead on Oct 21, 2022 9:34:16 GMT
"....free bowl of soup.... looks good on you though...." too funny (to me). Rodney was the best part of that movie to me. He made Chevy Chase and Bill Murray look dull.
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Oct 22, 2022 23:05:40 GMT
I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That's a bit of a stretch.
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Post by Magnus on Nov 7, 2022 15:59:02 GMT
The ad said:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's). MUST NOT BEAT ME. MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME. AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, " you're not really asking me to consider you?... just look at you, you have no legs!" The old man smiled, " therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. " You don't have any hands either."
Again the old man smiled, " Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile, and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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Post by Magnus on Nov 8, 2022 13:33:33 GMT
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
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Post by Magnus on Nov 25, 2022 6:02:03 GMT
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Nov 28, 2022 19:03:08 GMT
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Dave Reslo
Caneguru
Not quite severely obese
Posts: 1,560
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Post by Dave Reslo on Nov 28, 2022 21:54:43 GMT
I feel really uneasy lately around stairs- It just seems like they're always up to something
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