Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2022 14:40:25 GMT
This thread may have to be moved because it isn’t fitness related …
I have no kids and therefore have zero experience with these things. My girlfriend’s son is a good guy. He’s twenty, earns a very good wage for his age, and he had a great girlfriend.
Unfortunately, he drinks heavily and takes drugs recreationally. None of this stops him doing his job properly.
However he’s just been arrested for knocking a guy’s teeth out. Sounds like a bit of an ongoing feud between groups of young guys. He’s clearly mixing with a bad crowd and it is leading him down a destructive road.
Cut a long story short, the police have now arrested him for this assault. How it will pan out, we do not yet know.
Question is: how would you guys snap a young guy out of such destructive behavioural patterns ? He previously lost his license for drink driving, too. However he is a really great young man with a good future ahead of him if he doesn’t throw it away.
His dad wasn’t involved in his upbringing, and the only male influence in the home was an alcoholic.
What would you guys recommend my girlfriend does to try to steer him down the right path before he self destructs?
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Post by gruntbrain on Nov 19, 2022 15:51:25 GMT
Long shot : somehow get him fitness focused . Your displays of fitness may inspire him.
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Post by billfish on Nov 19, 2022 16:00:53 GMT
It's all up to him....he's already been in trouble
You can be a good role model, but you can't make him change.....
He has to want to change and make that change....perhaps a change of scenery and lifestyle would do him good, the military maybe
A friend of mine back in the 60s got arrested and the judge gave him a choice.....jail or the service
He chose the service, grew up and straightened out....the service changed his life
Maybe this assault charge will open his eyes
Good luck to you both....hope he comes to his senses
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Post by Steve on Nov 19, 2022 16:23:15 GMT
Always sad to hear things like this especially of those with so much promise.
We all have our coping mechanisms - it's human psychology. Easier said than done, but need to introduce this young man to other things to replace the current coping mechanism. Show his different paths. It has to be appealing and exciting to replace the current. And, need to make the guy know there is a problem with the current lifestyle choices and change needs to happen. Perception is reality and he may not agree pointing to his success at work and how his hobby does not interfere with it. That is where the latest arrest needs to be pointed out. Stylishly go from there. It will be a long road with pitfalls, but worth it.
Understand, one can never be made to do anything and not all are success stories. No one wants to be sold, per se. They need to make the final decision, whatever it is.
Best of luck!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2022 16:36:56 GMT
Thanks for the advice so far!
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Post by billfish on Nov 19, 2022 16:38:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2022 17:13:44 GMT
I like the idea. Sad thing is he used to be into surfing and was healthy. When he’s chatted to me, he’s told me he’s not happy that he’s getting fat from his lifestyle. |
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Post by fredhutch on Nov 19, 2022 17:38:34 GMT
Get him a copy of Robert Parker's "Early Autumn" and tell him be needs to read it and absorb the lessons before it's too late. If you think you're going to mentor this guy, you should read it too.
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Post by Magnus on Nov 19, 2022 19:11:20 GMT
My girlfriend’s son is a good guy. He’s twenty, earns a very good wage for his age, and he had a great girlfriend. Unfortunately, he drinks heavily and takes drugs recreationally. None of this stops him doing his job properly. However he’s just been arrested for knocking a guy’s teeth out. Sounds like a bit of an ongoing feud between groups of young guys. He’s clearly mixing with a bad crowd and it is leading him down a destructive road. Cut a long story short, the police have now arrested him for this assault. How it will pan out, we do not yet know. Question is: how would you guys snap a young guy out of such destructive behavioural patterns ? He previously lost his license for drink driving, too. However he is a really great young man with a good future ahead of him if he doesn’t throw it away. What would you guys recommend my girlfriend does to try to steer him down the right path before he self destructs? Hmmmm...sounds very similar to my own story  The truth is there really isn't anything you can actually do, and honestly it isn't as bad as it might seem to most. He got into a fight, so what ? He's only twenty years old, and there's 2 sides to every story, so unless he's a bully or some other pattern of violent anti-social behavior maybe the other young guy started some shit that he couldn't finish ?... Boys will be boys, and I guarantee you that if the legal system is in any way similar in England as it is here that nothing major is going to happen to him if he has no past criminal record. He'll likely be ordered to pay some type of 'victim restitution' and perhaps some anger management classes, but as long as the judge and prosecutors aren't total vindictive dipshits that's all that's going to happen. Maybe also something like what they call an 'ACD' here in New York City, an *Adjournment in Contemplation of Dismissal* = meaning if he stays out of trouble for 6 months the record is dismissed and sealed. Ask me how familiar I am with this process three times over the years  Sure, you can talk to him, and definitely support him through the ordeal (my own parents didn't), but you said that he works steady and earns decent money, so that's a huge difference as compared to some excuse making bum that parasites off of other people. Hell, while I was writing this I thought of one of my best friends of over thirty years who is now 84 years old, still operates his own contracting business, has a shit ton of money and assets, including a Harley Davidson that he STILL rides, and that ornery MOFO still gets into fist fights !  |
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Post by Whiffet as guest on Nov 19, 2022 19:18:31 GMT
My girlfriend’s son is a good guy. He’s twenty, earns a very good wage for his age, and he had a great girlfriend. Unfortunately, he drinks heavily and takes drugs recreationally. None of this stops him doing his job properly. However he’s just been arrested for knocking a guy’s teeth out. Sounds like a bit of an ongoing feud between groups of young guys. He’s clearly mixing with a bad crowd and it is leading him down a destructive road. Cut a long story short, the police have now arrested him for this assault. How it will pan out, we do not yet know. Question is: how would you guys snap a young guy out of such destructive behavioural patterns ? He previously lost his license for drink driving, too. However he is a really great young man with a good future ahead of him if he doesn’t throw it away. What would you guys recommend my girlfriend does to try to steer him down the right path before he self destructs? Hmmmm...sounds very similar to my own story The truth is there really isn't anything you can actually do, and honestly it isn't as bad as it might seem to most. He got into a fight, so what ? He's only twenty years old, and there's 2 sides to every story, so unless he's a bully or some other pattern of violent anti-social behavior maybe the other young guy started some shit that he couldn't finish ?... Boys will be boys, and I guarantee you that if the legal system is in any way similar in England as it is here that nothing major is going to happen to him if he has no past criminal record. He'll likely be ordered to pay some type of 'victim restitution' and perhaps some anger management classes, but as long as the judge and prosecutors aren't total vindictive dipshits that's all that's going to happen. Maybe also something like what they call an 'ACD' here in New York City, an *Adjournment in Contemplation of Dismissal* = meaning if he stays out of trouble for 6 months the record is dismissed and sealed. Ask me how familiar I am with this process three times over the years Sure, you can talk to him, and definitely support him through the ordeal (my own parents didn't), but you said that he works steady and earns decent money, so that's a huge difference as compared to some excuse making bum that parasites off of other people. Hell, while I was writing this I thought of one of my best friends of over thirty years who is now 84 years old, still operates his own contracting business, has a shit ton of money and assets, including a Harley Davidson that he STILL rides, and that ornery MOFO still gets into fist fights ! Thanks Magz. He was sticking up for a friend who’d previously had an axe held to his neck — so he was certainly trying to do the right thing, I guess my worry is retaliations, and the risk of weapons being used rather than just fist fights. Hopefully the incident will now blow over. |
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Post by Magnus on Nov 19, 2022 19:43:19 GMT
Hmmmm...sounds very similar to my own story Thanks Magz. He was sticking up for a friend who’d previously had an axe held to his neck — so he was certainly trying to do the right thing, I guess my worry is retaliations, and the risk of weapons being used rather than just fist fights. Hopefully the incident will now blow over. I'd say the chance of any retaliation is slim to none due to the fact that the police are now involved in the latest incident, so no worries there... |
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Post by mr potatohead on Nov 19, 2022 19:53:02 GMT
You say he "had" a great girlfriend?
A good woman is the human in the best position to influence his behavior, IMO.
If he was protecting a friend, I expect that would be to his favor in court?
BF & Mags are right, IMO, the commitment to change will ultimately come from him.
I see this as a spiritual issue, so, for me, the most effective influence I can have in the life of someone I care about is prayer.
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Post by billfish on Nov 19, 2022 20:08:22 GMT
I like the idea. Sad thing is he used to be into surfing and was healthy. When he’s chatted to me, he’s told me he’s not happy that he’s getting fat from his lifestyle. There's hope...he's still young and all is not lost Mags made some good points You say he was into surfing and healthy so sounds like he needs a spark to get him fired up again He's a kid and he's got the world in front of him......I think he just needs some inspiration |
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Post by BigBruvOfEnglandUK on Nov 19, 2022 20:19:08 GMT
A good woman is the human in the best position to influence his behavior, IMO. Indeed. My last spot of bother with the law ended up with a stint in prison. I had to do probation when I got out. One of the questions I kept getting asked by the probation officer was had I got a steady girlfriend yet. Probation know that having some responsibilities like a wife, girlfriend, kid etc is what keeps a lot of guys from re-offending. It certainly helped in my case as I was re-offending the whole time I was on probation (But wasn't caught for it) but stopped shortly after I got into a serious relationship with somebody that was worried about me going to prison again. Prison is shit. It's mostly filled with the absolute dregs of society. Most of them are not serious career criminals. They are just morons that keep getting arrested for minor crimes and get handed ever increasing sentences until they realise that a life of crime just isn't working for them. |
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lardy
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Post by lardy on Nov 19, 2022 20:34:37 GMT
This is my experience, I am a man in my late twenties.
When I was 17-19 I worked a full time job (still do) with no problems at all, however I was drinking and using knock off imitations of cocaine that were probably worse than actual cocaine, I was causing trouble that lead to my mum kicking me out on the street, I spiraled out of control at this point and got into a lot of shit I will talk about in a second but I would like to point out that this was a huge learning curve for me that really made me realize how hard life actually was, I'd kept my job with a lot of luck due to knowing my employer personally and being long term friends with his son.
I sofa surfed for a bit hit the drink and drugs even harder and then went into a hostel, here at the hostel i got into loads of bother mainly fights that involved weapons of some sort and ended up in prison three times on remand (due to no bail address) for 1-2 months a piece. I then met a girl from another town (admittedly a much more well off area in the countryside) that i was besotted with and within three months she was pregnant, oops. now in the UK as I can't speak for other cultures this is where things go really good or really bad for the relationship, I moved to her town and I absolutely HATED the isolation from my regular friends but I made a promise to stick with my child and it's mother for as long as she's willing to have me, I stopped drugs straight away and became a "social" drinker, that girl is now my Wife and I have more children with her. They are my life and I consider my self a settled man who's happy in life and have absolutely no thoughts about returning to my old lifestyle.
I personally use the term when people asked me how i did so well for myself "I just grew up" and I suppose at the core that's all it was.
I don't know if you can take any advice out of that but I'd be happy if it at least gave you some some hope that it can and USUALLY gets better.
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