Funny!

[Dave Reslo]

Ever since my wife left me and the kids, all I've wanted to do is hire just one nice juicy conference for the day but I've still not managed it. I didn't realise single pear renting would be so hard.

[Magnus]

[BigBruvOfEnglandUK]

I saw a bloke running down the road with a naked woman on his back. I shouted "Where you going?" He said "A fancy dress party dressed as a tortoise!" I said "Who is she?" he said "That's Michelle"

[hhenthusiast]

I only seem to get sick on week days....

I must have a weekend immune system.

[BigBruvOfEnglandUK]

An old lady tells her husband to get in bed and wait for her as she has a surprise for him.
The old lady bursts out of the en suite wearing only a cape and shouts "Super Pussy!"
The old man says "I'll have the soup."

[BigBruvOfEnglandUK]

[Dave Reslo]

I called the RSPCA because something like a polecat was clinging to my ceiling fan. They didn't want to believe me but I told them they'd have to take my whirred ferret.

[brennus]

Back in the day, you could walk in to a grocery store with only two dollars in your pocket, and come out with some bread, milk, cheese and eggs. But today, there are cameras everywhere.

[brennus]

[BigBruvOfEnglandUK]

It's a little known fact that Richard Gere's dad, Gottler, was a famous Swedish ventriloquist.

[Deleted]

[brennus]

My wife gets annoyed when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.

[Dave Reslo]

The macaw that lives on my office work surface has irritated several different Frenchmen with its glockenspiel. I don't know what they're going to do about it, but desk parrot chimes gall four disparate messieurs.

[Deuce Gunner]

[Deleted]