from trueaiki.com
"This is how our conversation went (at least from my perspective):
We start sparring . . . I try to get past Dan’s defense and cannot. He begins to penetrate my defense. I respond by increasing my offense in an attempt to change his (and my) priorities.
Dan: Can you see that no matter how you attack your attacks mount to nothing?
Allen: Yes
Dan begins to allow his defense to simultaneously be attacks as well.
Dan: Can you see that no matter how you defend or attack, you cannot stop the success of my attack.
Allen: Yes (Beginning to get annoyed.)
Then Dan punches me in the chest and I literally become airborne and am caught by my guys before a land among my weight lifting equipment. This was no “hay maker” shot. In fact there was no visible difference between it and when he just touched me earlier. This was a “tap.”
Dan: Can you feel the power available?
Allen: Son of a . . . !
We get ready to spar some more and Dan pops me in the mouth stopping at my teeth.
(I have a weird tendency to smile when under stress. I enjoy being challenged I guess. Anyway, I learned in our next few meetings that this wasn’t a bad tendency since Dan would stop at the surface of my teeth whether my lips are in the way or not. In other words, smile and all will be well. Don’t smile and all will be well, but my lip will be split!)
Dan: Can you see that I can punch you whenever, wherever, at will, with power, AND control?
Allen: *&(^% !
We spar a couple of seconds more and Dan kicks me in the leg. Just a thigh shot. It was a kind of run of the mill, even funky looking, kind of kick. Shouldn’t be a big deal . . . accept it about takes my leg out from under me and I can feel my thigh begin to instantly cramp up.
Dan: . . . can you see that and I can kick you with power and control too?
Allen: Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!
I try to go back to a cramped up, limping sparring. I try to focus on my purpose rather than allow bodily fear take the helm. I’m looking at what he is doing (as much as I can while he is touching me all over my head), and it is what I am supposed to be doing! I’m supposed to be spiraling in, while his attack is supposed to spiral out. My spiral should be flanking him whether or not I move, and his flank should be presenting itself to me every time he reacts. My attack is supposed to be my defense and his defense my attack. My attack and his attack should be my attack. He is supposed to be becoming “unglued” every time we touch. And each time should be worse for him and better for me than the time before. His attack should be negated, even turned around, and mine should be unimpeded, even invited. But his “doing” is working and mine is failing. His “doing” has more power than any human I know would want to endure and my (whatever power I can muster) is being rendered meaningless, not just in comparison, but in ability to apply it. I have no power to apply my power. He has the power to deliver his power and easily can deliver more power than my body can withstand, fight ending force, organ exploding force . . . and he hasn’t even really begun to exert himself.
One strike in Aikido can kill. When practicing always obey your instructor and do not use training time for needless testing of strength. ~ Ueshiba Morihei
I step back, throw up my hands and say, “What are you doing?
!!!!”
Before I give you Dan’s response, let me describe my mental state at this point:
Up to this moment I had 30+ years of martial arts under my belt. Several of those years had included fighting of one kind or another. Many of the those that I had trained under were recognized as the best in their field, some the best in the world. I am not a natural athlete. Any ability I had was the product of hard work, and dogged determination. While I was, and likely never will be, mistaken for a martial phenom, I was confident in being able to stand my ground in this given scenario against pretty much anybody. I might not come out on top, but there would at least be a fight.
Now, here was a guy that, unless he tripped and fell or something, I would likely not be able to do to stop if he went bananas . . . and I had invited him into my home! At this moment any internal temper tantrum due to martial frustration and bruised ego faded into the background, drowned out by the roaring internal realization that my presumptuousness could have put my family and friends in potential danger. My brain scrambled, unaware of any pain, ignoring my fear and shame, focusing on a quick assessment of where things presently stood. Thankfully, my conclusion was that Dan was more likely to give his life protecting a family from danger than he was to be of any danger.
I’ve seen nothing to dissuade me from this initial assessment. Not that that Dan’s personality is your common “go along to get along type.” He, while perfectly pleasant, even charming, is too driven and passionate to ever be mistaken for “Melba toast” type of personality. Personally, I favor sincerity over pleasantry any day and I find Dan both sincere and pleasant.
As soon as I throw my arms up and say, “What are you doing!
” He immediately stops, breaks into a big smile, and says, “Wow! Do you know how great that is Allen?” Of course I’m thinking, “What? That I just got my @ss handed to me and don’t even know how you did it, or, that I don’t have a clue what to do about it!”
I must have look incredulous and dumbfounded because Dan went on; “I’m just so pleased. You just said the right thing!”
More dumfounded looks on my part.
“You don’t know how many men have stood where you are standing now and: Walked away frustrated, walked away in denial, or to their ignorance. When all they needed to do was ask, “What are you doing?”
Well, just between you and me, it honestly never occurred to me to do otherwise. I could tell that outwardly how he was using his body how I, at least thought, I was using my body. But he was clearly getting completely different results. He had to be doing SOMETHING different, but I couldn’t tell what! I hadn’t felt the total unnerving experience of being completely owned since Shirata sensei simply moved my ken to the side (it felt like magnetic resistance) and I saw death staring me in the face. But then, like now, the guy on the other side had no malice in his heart. Standing right before me was a guy having done the same thing . . . and again, ready to share without holding anything back.
Up to this moment I honestly had begun to doubt myself. I had begun to think that the experiences I had had with Shirata sensei were perhaps wistful exaggerations or perceptions of a less experienced self. And that the stories I’d heard from Shirata sensei were similarly a product of his adulation for his teacher magnified with each passing year. Perhaps I had plumbed the depths of what there was to learn and was nearing the end of what I was capable of doing.
Not true!
My memory was accurate. I knew what I knew and, more importantly, I now knew for certain now that I had missed something essential along the way and here was a second chance. No, it never occurred to me to do anything but ask for help. I could never live with myself if I had let an opportunity like this, a second chance at Aiki, pass by without at least an attempt at learning. I would be letting myself down, and betraying the trust placed in me by Shirata sensei before his passing. The least I could do was try to correct any misconceptions or mistakes made along the way.
It wasn’t long thereafter that I spoke with my guys and told them that I knew what I was going to do. I was going to stop everything, go back to the beginning, and start all over again.
Happily my guys said, that they would be joining me. Now, progress certainly wasn’t without its bumps. Typically I try to set aside all that I “know” when learning in an attempt not to “color” the information being given by a teacher. The worst thing I could do would be to think or say, “Oh I know that,” or “Oh we do that.” because doing so would be preclude any new learning. Another habit I have, is not to share what I’ve learned when I am being taught. First, I think it is presumptuous, and secondly, it impedes me from learning from others.
Both of these habits, however, backfired in the case of learning from Dan. I think it was during Dan’s first visit, that I quickly went upstairs to use the restroom before we were to resume practice after lunch. While I was away, my totally cheeky student Robert (who is a terrific training partner and skilled teacher) began “practicing on his own” Shirata sensei’s solo body movement exercises off in the corner of the room, but in plain sight of Dan.
[Now, it is important to me that this is very clear, I hadn’t been keeping these secret or anything, rather I had been concentrating on learning what Dan had to teach. If Dan had asked what I do, these would likely have been the first things I would have shared. Just as they were the first things I shared on my first trip to Europe years before.]
Anyway, I come hurrying down the stairs, turn the corner and there is Dan standing in the middle of the hallway leading to the dojo and all motion has stopped behind him.
“Allen . . . what have you been keeping from me?!?!”
Of course I don’t have a clue what is happening until I see the smirk on Roberts face and I ask him, “What’s going on???”
Robert replies innocently, “I was just warming up with Shirata’s TDD.”
I’m thinking, “Like hell you were!”
All this time Dan is staring at me like I had stealing his family secrets while hoarding mine own.
I don’t rightly recall, what I said at the time, probably just a lot of stammering and “um, uh’s.” But, but it was clear that there would be no further practice until I “came clean.”
[Again, I adamantly declare that I was not hiding anything, so there was no need to come clean. Nor am I continuing to hide anything, just for the record and for the future!]
So I showed the 13 solo body movement exercises that Robert had been doing. [There is more btw, just for the record.]
To everyone’s surprise Dan was almost apoplectic. Luckily for me, he was ecstatic rather than mad. (I’ve never seen Dan mad. Frustrated? Yes. Hurt? Yes. Mad? Thankfully no!) Dan was effusive and said a lot of things at that moment. I can’t recall everything, but a few notable things lodged in my memory:
“The man [Shirata] was a genius!”
“I am just SO happy. I had thought that this knowledge had been lost in Aikido. But here is proof that it hasn’t!”
“Don’t worry Allen, I won’t use this. This was given to you by Shirata sensei.”
From that moment onward Dan did nothing but encourage me to teach and share, for which I am very grateful.
Still, that didn’t mean the path has always been easy . . .
Upon Dan’s second (and last) visit to my dojo Dan stopped teaching in the middle of the Sunday class and asked me what was the matter.
I was completely depressed and explained, “I had a great teacher that didn’t hold anything back and tried his best to teach me before he died . . . and I didn’t get it! Now I have a great teacher that isn’t holding anything back and is trying his best to teach me . . . and I’m not GETTING IT! (Now on the verge of tears) I must be some kind of a two time looser!!!
Okay so I said I’ve never seen Dan mad, but this was probably the closest I’ve seen him get to being mad. Raising his voice and getting in my face,
“Well I never said that!! And I don’t THINK that!!
It wasn’t like I was going to argue . . . so I just shut up and just kept doing the best I could for the rest of the time.
Later I figured out my biggest mistake. I don’t know why (Dan certainly never said to do this, quite the opposite really.), but I had gone from “back burnering” Shirata sensei’s teaching to pursue Dan’s, to (stupidly) thinking that they were mutually exclusive. That being the case I preceded to misconstrue my understanding of Dan’s teaching such that it was different from Shirata’s. But as I slowly corrected my understanding of Dan’s teaching I realized that there was no difference whatsoever. Upon that realization, I knew that obviously Dan’s, Shirata’s and Ueshiba’s teachings should all align. And they did! So I could leverage the teachings of each teacher to understand the others! And, of course, the same could be done with other historical teachers that were teaching the same thing.
For a slow learner like me this proved to be invaluable. Apparently, in my case, it takes a village to raise a Beebe brain!
Anyway, once I got out of my own way, progress skyrocketed and continues to do so!! It is simply amazing to me!
As I said earlier, I was taught that there is jujutsu, aiki-jujutsu, and aiki no jutsu. The Aiki no jutsu “waza” that I had learned were easy to identify. They made absolutely no sense whatsosever from a practical jujutsu perspective. As I used to tell my students, “Those are my “someday” techniques because right now I really don’t have a clue how they work. I just know that they do! (Because they were done to me.)”
6 years ago it was beginning to look like “someday” might never arrive.
And then I met Dan Harden.
Now someday is here!
My only regret with regards to training with Dan is that I haven’t been able to train with him more. He has has much that he can teach and I have much that I can learn! Sounds like a happy beginning to me!
Thanks Dan!"
!!!!”
